What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?
A hard copy
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
No text found
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend…
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better