What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
How did the Sun get a job?
Because It had a lot of degrees.
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!" "Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement." Satan, fighting back tears: "Fuck you, go to hell!"
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
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Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
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What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What’s the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do
