What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy? A: Popcorn Edit: Woah, platinum! Thanks to the kind stranger! Gonna buy my kid an ice cream now, lmao!
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
My Salesforce Admin keeps saying “sWiTcH tO LiGhTnInG” but i just love classic!
https://ift.tt/2XO8bo9
Attitude Adjustment
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
German sausage is the wurst.
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Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas
She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her . . . nothing.
A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the TV’s joke?
Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
