What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
Two ladies talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
I have a scary joke to tell you about maths
But I’m 2² to tell it!
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
Somebody stole my mood ring…
I still don't know how I feel about that.
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
An r/jokes subredditor walks into a bar and the bartender immediately makes him an exotic cocktail. “How’d you know that’s what I wanted?”
"You come here every fucking day and it's always the same fucking thing."
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?
Walking! Jk, Rowling
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber