What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers

Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick Iβm deeply sorry
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
A cowboy, who just
moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." βIt hasn't affected my brothers though."
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and Iβm completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Trump," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, βMy car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?β
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, βWe canβt tell you. Youβre not a monk.β The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, βWe canβt tell you. Youβre not a monk.β The man says, βAll right, all right. Iβm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?β The monks reply, βYou must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.β The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, βI have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.β The monks reply, βCongratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.β The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, βThe sound is right behind that door.β The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, βReal funny. May I have the key?β The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, βThis is the last key to the last door.β The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I canβt tell you what it is because youβre not a monk.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
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Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, βI canβt believe I just blew 20 bucks.β