What do you call a dog floating in water?
A good buoy
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
No text found
Just a normal day in Pakistan
Just a normal day in Pakistan
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesn’t believe me.
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
Would you remarry if I die……
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question…. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: — silence — HUSBAND: "Shit."
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.” “Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied. “Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.” So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite Reddit sub?
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
Blue Collar Joke
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.