What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
Asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.
However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus: I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank. Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank. Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank. Then i pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass. After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle. When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely. To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again. When the house was passing by I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank…
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
I was reading a horror story in braille..
Something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it…
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday.
But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples’ crotch
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations
A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker replies, “well, my records show that you make over half a million a year and haven’t made a single charitable donation so why can’t you help us out? I’m sure you can afford at least a small donation…” and the lawyer replies “oh really, well do your records tell you about my brother who served in the war and is in a coma with extremely expensive hospital bills? Or what about my mother? Do they tell you about how she’s sick with even more expensive hospital bills year after year?” At this point the Red Cross worker is very embarrassed and says “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea.” And the lawyer goes “so if I’m not helping them out what makes you think I’d help you out?”
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
