What do you call a fictional country?
Imagine-nation
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
I was sick and tired of my wife refusing to have sex with me.
So I took matters into my own hands…
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors…
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
Target suggesting I travel over 4500 miles to buy my daughter a $200 bike today.
https://ift.tt/2Y0PiPb
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
Picked my dog up from getting fixed. This is how he looked. (He’s just fine today!)
https://ift.tt/3bSVqh1
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."