What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick!
My 4 year olds first joke.
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
I tried the “If you love something, set it free” thing.
But my kids are still here.
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
I stole a wig
I just didn't want toupee for it
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.
"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine!" He explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner