What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A Fsh.
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
A young man goes to confession
He says "Father, I have sinned." The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?" The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend" Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally" "But Father, that's not the worst of it. They were twin sisters" "Son, I can see you're feeling guilty, but I'm sure you can atone…" "I'm not done, Father. They were only 18" "Son, legally and in the eyes of God…" "They were virgins, from Sweden. Blonde. They barely spoke a word of English and I took advantage of them!" The priest is getting a little flustered now "Ok, well, it's going to take some serious prayer and reflection on your sins to make your peace with the Lord." The young man continues "But Father, it was in my girlfriend's bed, while she was at the hospital visiting her sick mother" Before the priest can say anything, the young man continues: "It went on for hours. My God, they were so beautiful, I took them in turns, and both at the same time, it was wild. We fucked in the bed, on the floor, in the shower, on the kitchen bench, and then when my girlfriend walked in, I just kept going. They were insatiable…" The priest, now getting upset, says "Son, stop!" But the man continues "…I got it on video, so I can keep it for whenever I want to see it, and I can show it to my friends, and hey, do you want to see it?" The priest yells "Stop! No! I don't want to see it! Goddamit, what kind of Catholic are you?!" The man replies "I'm not a Catholic" Perplexed, the priest asks "…Then why come to church, why are you in confession? Why are you telling me all this?" "Dude… I'm telling everyone!"
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
โIf I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Here’s a joke about China
[redacted]
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But itโs still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them โ theyโre imaginary too…
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesnโt tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. โItโs what your mom calls me!โ. The son yells, โitโs a fucking dick donโt eat it!โ
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people donโt like it when you go the extra mile for them.
What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?
The can both soften your stool.
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching itsย face
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean