What do you call a green onion that makes it big as a hip hop star?
A rapscallion
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
My friend told me a coronavirus joke…
…but I still haven’t gotten it.
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner.
Waitress says, “What can I get you, Hun?”
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
