What do you call a group of people, when most of them are named Joe?
To tell someone they're vegan.
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
So you can always count on me.
In Google Docs.
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
It's alright, nobody came.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What exactly happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Just how low can some people go?
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses." Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts." Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
But I'm clean now.
His name was Sir Render.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home. Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!…. Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke
But now I’m not so sure.
A constellation prize.
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
They never seem to leave
It was a miner injury.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
They’re free of charge if you’re interested.
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
So that makes me…. transparent
It'll always be stationery.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”