What do you call a group waiting to view the Pride Parade?
An LGBT Queue
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. “What did the green grape say to the purple grape?”
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Being Muslim is tough
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You said she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.