What do you call a guy who loses his car in Mexico
Carlos
Australians don’t have sex
They m8
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes whack "shit" The other goes "shit" whack
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
A husband and wife were having dinner…
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
Dad what is Mozart doing now?
He is de-composing.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
,,,,,
Chameleon
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
Prove us wrong, Sen. Kelly Loeffler, wife of the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange
https://ift.tt/3fCrkjN
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
