What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’ Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids
I’m a faux pa
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
Son up to son down.
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something