What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
Have you heard what Japan have instead of alphabet soup?
Times new ramen
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
![What is recursion? [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/uysgsbgqpcb41-400x400.png)
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"