What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
No text found
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds’.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?
Talk about head over heels!
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
