What do you call a Labrador Retriever trained to smell for meth?
A Meth Lab.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a Mathmachicken.
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
I, for one…
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
Dog for sale . . .
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein Sheikh.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.
I was shocked.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
