What do you call a lawyer when he’s cooking dinner?
A sue chef.
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
Me: dear Ouji board, is this house haunted?
Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E. Me: damnit, this is a Luigi board
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
A soldier ran up to a nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied: "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq." The nun said: "I understand completely." The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don't want to go to Iraq either!
One day a man goes to his wife and says “Honey, I’ve never said anything before, but I need to know. I’ve noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?”
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does." The husband says "Who is his father?" The wife says "You are."
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
What does the marxman put in his gun?
Communition!