What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.
Best trade ever.
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
I like telling Dad jokes
Sometimes, he laughs!
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .
. . . except for his boots. “Where your clothes at, Slim?” “Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’ So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’” Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
He’s a small medium at large
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why don’t Kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
