What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early…
"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy. "Sure is dark in here." "Indeed it is," the man responds. "I have a baseball," says the boy. "That's nice," he says. "I'll sell it to you for $50." "$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son." "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?" "Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50. A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet. "Sure is dark in here," says the boy. "Oh, it's you again." "I have a baseball glove." "Alright, how much do you want for it?" "$700." "$700? That's absurd!" "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?" "Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid. That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around." The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove." "For how much?" he asks. "$750." "$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession." They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth. "Sure is dark in here," he says. The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..
„Were you even listening to me?!“
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
