What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
"Where on Earth have you been?"
He should have hired her!
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
I have shellfish steamed issues.
You hit rock bottom
It’s about time!
We keep it in the family
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
But her aim is getting better
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
But in the bathroom, European.
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
The high C.
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
Get in the car
He's a small arms dealer.
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
I think he's full of shit
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."