What do you call a mouse that swears
A cursor
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House…
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes: Mexican contractor: 3 million Italian Contractor: 7 million Israeli Contractor: 10 million After a while Trump asked the Mexican – Why did you ask for 3 million. The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit. He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million. Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain. He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million. The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend – 4 million for you, 3 million for me, And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, “1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.”
“It was quite a hectic evening.”
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money