What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo
My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her “pig.”
The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig." "Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?" "Well… that doesn't seem fai- " "-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot." Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?" The judge looked over his notes. "Yes… you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse." Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson."
For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
I need a raise.
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
I was addicted to soap once.
Now I’m clean
The spoon in a waiter’s pocket catches the customer’s attention
The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
The lockdown is getting to me…
Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!