What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
Being Muslim is tough
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife…
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Does February march?
No, but April may!
One cold winter’s morning a tramp was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father – the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire. "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price – I'm a wealthy man." "Ahem, well …" stammered the tramp "…eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out" "Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet. "Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars – but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe" "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life – that will be plenty". "Well, if you insist" says the father – "now what will you do with your money?" "Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday" "Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home. "Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in – much to the disgust of the staff – and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp. "Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?" "Oh lots – anything up to ten dollars" "TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously. "Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday – I'll probably never get another chance – isn't there anything you can do?" "Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check" The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There – to her amazement – she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday – its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise – and it costs ten dollars" "Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it" The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting. A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct. "Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin" The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship – and what a ship! The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this. First they went doen through the first class level: Oriental carpets – 6" pile. A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep. and so on… 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing…" "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night – when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night – he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen… Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived…. …and what a dive…! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain – who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp – was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen …." He broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk. "O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "O.K." agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb…. up and up … up and up … higher and higher … below him the ship grew smaller … up and up … on and on … past a solitary albatross … and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below … still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink… and higher, ever higher … on and on …. higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board, He climbed on top and radioed the captain …. and then… he jumped . slowly at first but speeding up faster, and faster and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster… past the albatross, faster double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove… NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN…! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL………. SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping…. Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen" The tramp blushed. The captain went on: "But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived – how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand… I've been through many a hardship in my life"
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
I had to get a loan to pay for an Exorcism
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
Should English be the only official language of the EU?
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.