What do you call a pig that knows karate?
Pork chop
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
If money doesn’t grow on tree’s….
Then why do banks have so many branches?
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
I just got fired from the calendar factory and I don’t understand why
all I did was take a day off
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
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I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn’t that violent…
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl…
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
