What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”…
…The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)
Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together. "Is this your first child?" says the older woman. "No," says the younger woman. "I have another." "I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace." "Oh, how nice." Said the young woman. "After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "So, what has your husband gotten you?" "Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school." "Is that so?" "Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
A buddy once asked me if I’ve ever stuck it in her
…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei 🖊
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
Some cities have bathrooms that you pay to use.
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.