What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
And he orders a beer
A time traveler walks into a bar
-I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
I was getting drafted to fight in WW3
But I didn't have to go because Iran
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
Why did seven eat nine?
Because you should have three square meals a day!
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.