What do you call a row of men waiting for a hair cut?
A Barbercue!
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
My albino terrier was bleeding and a woman asked “is he ok!?”
I just told her that he was all white.
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
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To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
They get toad.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous!
I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
I find bone puns very
Humerus
They don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.
You never turn your back on family.
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Bank Robber: Where’s the Safe?!
Teller: Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE? Teller: Bank Robber: ANSWER ME! Penn: He always does this
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
Australians are geniuses.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."