What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
Failed to crosspost to r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some reason so here ya go guys
https://ift.tt/2OMnLfw
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”