What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says, "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
You should never trust umbrella companies
They run a shady buisness
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore