What do you call a ship from Asia?
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him. “I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.” “A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked. “Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL…
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee. “I’m out of petrol,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ”Try it now,” said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?” “BP,” answered the bee.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
do you think this is a good one
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
If a king farts…
Is it a noble gas?
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
What is Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww!
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
