What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I think it’s the Chopin board.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
But when I do, he usually laughs.
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She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Because one more bean would be too farty.
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
Imagine having an appendixThis post was made by the appendicitis gang
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
I have selfish steam issues.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
He should have hired her!
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
A ban from the petting zoo.
I avoid meet
But, it’s usually when I walk in
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
McDonald’s ice cream machine
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
They were cooked in Greece.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
It’s only the first date.
Thankfully it was just a virus.
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
Because they had reservations