What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
Iāll never let my children watch the orchestra
Thereās way too much sax and violins
What do you call a comedian who canāt remember the punchline
Idk Iām the one whoās asking
I hate it when kids these days write āangleā instead of āangel.ā
They are just trying to be edgy.
What’s the time?
11:34 right now
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
[Warning]: 18++
19.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
Itās over easy
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. āYouāve given me one too manyā I said. āThat one is a freebieā
Whatās brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, āPlease, may I hide under your skirt. Iāll explain later.ā
The nun agreedā¦ A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, āSister, have you seen a soldier?ā The nun replied, āHe went that way.ā After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, āI canāt thank you enough, sister. You see, I donāt want to go to Iraq.ā The nun said, āI understand completely.ā The soldier added, āI hope Iām not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!ā The nun replied, āIf you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ballsā¦. I donāt want to go to Iraq either…
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child…
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here…" She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" The man finally gets exasperated and says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
āYep, she got the houseā
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.