What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Canât say Iâm surprised.
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say… So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged. She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
Jon Cooper, Chairman of the Democratic Coalition, getting Donnie together on Twitter.
https://ift.tt/2O8FFsJ
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, âCan I at least Taekwondo?â
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, âFather,may I ask a favor?â
âOf course child. What can I do for you?â âWell, I bought an expensive womanâs electric hair dryer for my Motherâs birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and Iâm afraid theyâll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? âI would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.â âWith your honest face, Father, no one will question you.â When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, âFather, do you have anything to declare?â âFrom the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.â The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, âAnd what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?â âI have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.â Roaring with laughter, the official said, âGo ahead, Father. Next!
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
I phoned my work this morning and said, âSorry boss, I canât come in today, I have a wee cough.â
He said, âYou have a wee cough?â I said, âReally? Thanks boss, see you next week!â
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
Who decided to call them âmurder hornetsâ
and not âbuzzkillsâ?
The seminar âHow To Avoid Fraudsâ is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
Professor X: whatâs your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: thatâs not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
They get toad.