What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
No text found
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday.
Left the brownies in the oven too long.
Hey, did you hear the one about butter?
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
The woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
Why are the women and children evacuated first?
So we can die in peace.
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Why don’t americans eat snails?
Because they like fast food.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.