What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas
She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her . . . nothing.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxicabs
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
There was a young man…
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
I for one…
Love Roman numerals
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
No text found
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite
A man goes into a brothel
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”
A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early…
"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy. "Sure is dark in here." "Indeed it is," the man responds. "I have a baseball," says the boy. "That's nice," he says. "I'll sell it to you for $50." "$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son." "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?" "Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50. A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet. "Sure is dark in here," says the boy. "Oh, it's you again." "I have a baseball glove." "Alright, how much do you want for it?" "$700." "$700? That's absurd!" "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?" "Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid. That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around." The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove." "For how much?" he asks. "$750." "$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession." They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth. "Sure is dark in here," he says. The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
