What do you call a state when it gets married?
Missus-sippi.
(buh-dum, tss)
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
There’s a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job