What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.