What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

I keep finding bits of chocolate in my pocket.

… slightly above “The Astronomical”

https://ift.tt/2Wygynv

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)

http://bit.ly/2WXImOS

It took you 49 years to discover this so…

https://ift.tt/2BYxEml

Those goddamn millennial animals

https://ift.tt/2SVu7eY

Cause the ol’ lady can’t drive worth a shit

https://ift.tt/3dxTjAg

Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July

But not Fire. Fire works

I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.

https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3

Don’t bring a onek to a gun fight

What do you call a cheap cicumcision?

A rip off.

The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

It is not mine but, sharing is caring they say, so I put it here

My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite

https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57

Someone asked me “What’s your opinion on wind turbines?”

"Big fan"

Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

Typical tumblr: cool story ruined with unnecessary harry potter reference

The power went out in my house today.

I was delighted.

What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain bolt can finish a race

I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers

She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.

does that make you an iWitness?

It amazes me that this got 900 upvotes

I’d never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins

What do you call a can opener that’s broken?

A can't opener.

There’s nothing wrong with masturbation…

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

yOu diD iT

Killing good. Cooking bad.

https://ift.tt/2rSjQER

A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".

New leeked Airpods

What’s the only seasoning that can tell when it is?

More sad than funny but still true

https://ift.tt/365qk35

perfectly drawn flag

https://ift.tt/2qm9z3A

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."

Why two? What was the need of it?

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

oh thats what the joke was about thanks

When I was a boy..

My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.

What food is served hot but is always cold

Chili

She forgot her hair was cut.

https://ift.tt/38LP0yx

This shouldn’t be a debate

https://ift.tt/3eYHPGx

r/memes at it again

A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed and so did he. There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.

After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."