What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
I feel alone
… slightly above “The Astronomical”
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)
It took you 49 years to discover this so…
Those goddamn millennial animals
Cause the ol’ lady can’t drive worth a shit
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
idk if this is here yet but
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
i cannot reply book, father
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
Google trying to be helpful
This is just so wrong…
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Knows more than the experts
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
Wife bad, Valentines Day Bad
I knew C++ was bullshit
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
another death another dollar
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
My mom sent me this
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
Killing good. Cooking bad.
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
More sad than funny but still true
perfectly drawn flag
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
She forgot her hair was cut.
This shouldn’t be a debate
A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed and so did he. There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Cations are Pawsitive!
that just a trashcan
The birds and the bees (sorry pbf)
I’m so nervous..
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
I went to a beestore to buy bees
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
it was me all along
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
The man who would be king…
Version control | github edition
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
Boomers dint even fight in WW2