What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
You can fool the normal people but not developers
🦀 🦀 Earth is Doomed 🦀 🦀
Works sucks.. I know
No way to choose my baby’s father
Proud of my model
Just a light joke
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
Exploring the world of cases.
Gotta go fast
Lead by example!
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Don’t we all do this?
flakey piles of goodness
Time to create fake account 😈
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
Should have worn a bloody bra Mavis…
joe exotic true words
When Websites Ask You To Share Cookies
Remember to social distance yourself
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
I love the Facebook compression. It always make the picture look nicer
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
Posted by my grandma
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed Jeffrey Epstien didn't kill himself in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
How did I get here?
Recieved from my da
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
Trump love dictators
Mitch, if you’re listening…
Finally. An end to the debate
Uhhhh, credit for trying I guess?
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
I wish my wife was dead
Trump LOVES Putin
Sensing a pattern
Priorities: Who needs drinking water without lead?
y’all know whats up
Bcuz ppl dnt use full wrds thru txt.
Did you read Glass documentation?
Hadn’t these gone out of fashion?
There is nothing sudo cannot accomplish
They’re not Wrong
Posted by an a very skeptical boomer and shared by his friends
Technically it is.
>drinking a snowglobe
How do you comprehend anything this man says?
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
F to everyone who’s trying to learn off of crappy documentation