What do you call a unicorn with its horn cut off?
Scary, scary, scary!
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
A meme I made in Comp. Org and Programming
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
Very well said
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
What haunts a chicken coop?
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
Birthday card from my granddad >:(
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Two young boys think it’s about time to start swearing.
All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together. The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch." The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room. She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy looks a little scared a replies "I don't know, but definitely not fucking fruit loops."
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
How I spend my weekend
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Cheer up when it doesn’t happen yet
It’s the do nothing Democrats fault!… oh wait, thank you…
mobile phone bad
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
F for James
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
Doing my Organic Chemistry synthesis
What do you call the Italian hood?
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
Recently got specs and no one told me this
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Some people need more science and less Hollywood blockbusters
Thats gonna be a no from me.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
reflect: rest: scale-up
So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
AI is gonna take over the world. (credit to u/VanaticalDesign)
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
Man this had me crying
I think this is the best one yet
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
Hey all you cool cats and kittens,Since half of the shit y’all like to submit is absolute garbage that doesn’t fit this subreddit whatsoever, this subreddit is now approval only. That means your post will not show up in new no matter how many times you resubmit it. As well, we’ve added a neat little reminder when you post here. I’ve pasted it below for your convenience.If your post is not a cartoon, please head down to /r/terriblefacebookmemes. If your post is wholesome or actually funny, try /r/goodboomerhumor. If the art is decent, it probably should go in /r/im14andthisisdeep. If your post is a political cartoon, it will be removed. If your post is the fucking hair dryer cartoon, you will be shot on sight.As well, I’d also like to remind everyone that cartoons that are just about the coronavirus/lockdown/quarantine/social distancing do not a boomer post make. Most of these posts are just observational humor and not making a stupid joke. Examples of jokes that would fit are things like “I’m locked up with my family and I hate them”, “I wish I were at work because technology is the worst”, “the virus isn’t that bad, kids these days are just sensitive.”That’s all folks!
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
Boys I found the treasure
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Call now, White House operators are standing by…