What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.
So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I guess it's your feet."
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you are thinking)
Not what you are thinking.
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.