What do you call a walking stick that makes you walk faster?
A hurricane.
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank
I have no words for how angry I am.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
Finland have just closed their borders….
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
Nowadays It is more important to see the Manufacturer country than Expire Date.
https://ift.tt/314GiIy
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”
It snowed last night…
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
What kind of cell phone did the pirate have?
An AyyyyePhone
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."