What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
Did you hear of the dog with denchers?
It was all bark and no bite.
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
People always tell me I’m condescending
(That means talking down to people)
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
Someone broke into my place and stole my limbo stick.
Just how low can some people go?
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
Where did the Swedish cross country race end?
The Finnish line
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
What’s the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."