What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
Why don’t burns go to college?
Because they've already got their degrees.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
I was just on the toilet having my morning movement. My wife walked up and said she was proud of me
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing
A Bridge Too Soon
A Bridge Too Soon
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”