What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning….
Luckily I was still up playing my drums
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
The answer was no.
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross…
“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
Me: “I bought my girlfriend a plant.”
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
The townspeople of little Italy has been real quiet recently…
The townspeople of little Italy has been real quiet recently…
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.