What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
Power outages delight me.
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Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
Communist jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets it
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
this
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I was sitting in a bar lastnight…
When the bartender yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said back, "CPR? I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.