What do you call an American bee?
A USB
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder…..
…the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume – I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
Don’t mess with WIFE !!!!
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper. Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper… Take my iPad…" Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach. Husband faints. Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday.
But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.