What do you call an angry fat person?
Feed up.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
English memes are dank, but German memes are danke.
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My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, what’s dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
A man heard that masturbating before sex…
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
![[NSFW] Carl what’s wrong with you??](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/6wurac3p4q841-400x462.jpg)
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
