What do you call an angry fat person?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
At least that’s the word on the street.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Because it felt butter in the morning.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
No text found
Now they just call me Dav.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
A receding hare line
Mom, what’s dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
It was just collecting dust anyway.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
The second one's a repost.
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
It was tense.
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
You can sleep with a light on
Police think it is race-related
There was just too much history between us.
crows did all their drinking at home.
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
I have a complex complex complex