What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
The inventor of anagrams died today.
May he 'erect a penis'.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Donald Trump
[removed]
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
Just got my daughter
My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching. Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout. "Daddy, the film is frozen." I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana." I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Anal Deodorant
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?" The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that". "Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here". "I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager". The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?" "Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please." "OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant." "But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you." The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!" The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant." "Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: Take off cap and push up bottom."
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.