What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Does my wife think Iβm a control freak?
I havenβt decided yet…
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Donβt be silly, youβre a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: Youβre a dog, you wonβt understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woofβ¦β¦β¦.
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
A book falls on Sean Connery’s head
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
βYouβre 1 joule per second, Harry!β
βIβm a Watt?β
I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
A guy bursts into a psychiatristβs office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, βWell, I can clearly see your nuts.β
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money
She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with. After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit in the bank.'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table. Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from. 'Gambling' she muttered. 'What kind of gambling?' the president asked. 'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.' 'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.' 'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone. 'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!' 'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?' 'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone. That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet. The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet. 'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!' The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted… after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000! That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall. 'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?' 'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'
A father has three daughters of dating age
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says βmake my horse laugh and win $500β
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says βmake my horse stop laughing and win $500β. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says Iβll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse βmy dick is bigger than yoursβ. The bartender asks βso what did you tell him just now?β βNothing, I proved itβ.